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1.
the poetry of buying your exes' records back from the record store: you thought that you were pretty good at giving gifts, but you weren't because you never really listened. like opening and finding a bookmark that you'd left in a borrowed book your 'legacy' but the library will see that gas receipt as a piece of trash. you chose to sell your first electric guitar to cover less than half the cost of being towed. now after a drink or two you search the internet for a danelectro you know that what you're trying to buy is really just a feeling hot summer days, looping delays, pickups held in place with packing tape. you know that things won't stay the same collecting these objects anyway.
2.
before they tore up the airport you told me that you'd fly me out to the coast. i don't bring it up to make you feel bad, thinking about it the promise meant more than the trip would. a reminder for us both: that i could choose to be far away that you once knew how to fly a plane.
3.
15 01:56
4.
a pair of minivans parked in the yard, dirt tried on balding tires. a brand of 'fuck the world' gone parental. crashed out quiet fatigue: rural residential quiet cul de sac in the midday a broken basketball hoop (standard issue). nauseously playing nintendo on a big screen CRT 22 years later motion sickness is still the enemy never getting the golden gun. "hey stop looking at my screen" the grass is dead except for around the above ground pool throw the floats in and start kicking! let's make a whirlpool. i was not your friend. it was just a blend of proximity and the cool stuff that you had.
5.
la de da 03:49
every summer night in this midyear crisis the viscosity of your own breath in the hot air on your shoulder. but what does it mean? yeah go ahead and try to describe it with a string of negatives and we'll catch a look inside your mind. you were old and tired when i was just 22 asking me to go look at nativity scenes with you growing tomatoes outside my south facing window and talking to yourself through our shared wall: "la de da" were you the one who folded my laundry the time that i forgot it in the dryer i wouldn't be surprised you seem like that kind of guy. a resourceful scrapper and a latter day saint; breaking down appliances and selling components by weight.
6.
7.
readerboard 03:13
reading the signs going by on the highway in a singsong voice because you're tired when it feels like 100 miles to go to home to a bed that is your own to a place with smells you've come to know you pass by a church spreading disease with a readerboard. you see a message you think you agree with: "what god doesn't provide we can make for ourselves with pride" we can make anything the inherent responsibility has never been obscure to me: self determined and scary.
8.
kidding myself notebook title line reads: "now i am older" its a thing that's not untrue also uninteresting playing pretend is being buried alive in an unspoken metaphor clawing at fill dirt in the open air evil dead fingers are reaching for a coda or something different every picture in the home now is slanting at an angle that speaks to something bigger foundation unseen sinking with walls all creaking and torqued a family of dust motes just sitting down to dinner.

credits

released May 18, 2021

all songs christopher mcfetridge
vocals - kirstin demezas
artwork - christopher mcfetridge, cara mcfetridge

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